But here was the funny thing about life – it often threw
curve balls at you. And with each curve ball, life gave you a dozen and one
opportunities: to be strong. To be patient. To be brave.
When you trust someone, there’s always a risk you need to
take. They might hurt you, they might back stab you, but you end up putting your
trust in them anyway.
Of course, nothing comes without risks. Because this risk
was present when it comes to the subject of love – I was terrified. Petrified
of taking that risk. I could encourage him to go for it, I could encourage my
friends to do it, but when it came to me, I was simply a coward. A coward in
every sense of the word.
I was like a balloon, full to the brim with air. Once
pricked, once moved – the air fizzed out of me and I am left with nothing but
an empty shell. An empty, incomplete shell of the person I once was with not a single
drop of courage left.
I knew I was stepping in dangerous territory once I started
to care. Not care in the sense of friendship – but caring in a much deeper way.
That ‘care’ then started to turn into something else, and I was once again
duped into falling. I was once again stepping way too close to the edge, the
drop beckoning me over.
I have to protect
myself. I have to.
I knew fully well what if feels like to take that step, to
plunge in. It frees your soul, that freedom so overwhelming that you stated to
depend on it. The euphoric taste of falling in love. However, you never ever
realise that this was all but a scam. The calm before the storm.
