Oh how she lied when she made herself believe that her own heart was made of stone.
She believed that she could not cry at anything so tragic,
Yet her tears start to fall silently into the abyss,
Day by day, night by night.
{d.r.}
Reminiscing about the past,
The shadows consuming their souls...
Let there be light,
Shone onto her and guide her to eternal peace.
{d.r.}
How do you know when you love someone?
Love is...
Love has no words.
When everything becomes perfect to you.
When you can't stop smiling for no reason,
When you view everything as beautiful.
When one completes you.
When that one person becomes the missing piece that you've been
Looking for all along.
That's why, when sometimes the love fades between two people that were not meant for each other,
That is when they realize,
Their mistakes, flaws and regrets,
That is when everything becomes the sudden reality, the ugly truth and sadness.
{d.r.}
She was sorry,
Because of her selfish needs,
She had ruined everything.
Her own mind deceived her,
She feels so lost,
Her soul is lost.
{d.r.}
私はあなたの希望と夢のような錯覚です。
I am only an illusion of your hopes and dreams.
{d.r}
夏の空気の暖かさの下で、
私は安らかに死ぬしましょう。
Let me die peacefully,
Under the warmth of the summer air.
{d.r.}
Because nothing,
can make me cry.
And nothing,
can make me smile as brightly
As only you can do.
{d.r.}
"You think you can know a person's feelings by memorizing a few lines of a psychology book."
-FBND
-FBND
Nobody understands her.
Her silent cries carried through the night's soul.
Her whispers of contentment ignored,
Replaced by the wet tears.
Nobody understands her.
{d.r.}
The unexpected man talked to her again today.
He left her a message out of the blue,
the last person whom she had thought to receive a message from.
Now would you say that everything in life is expected?
Because she indeed, was proved wrong once again.
{d.r.}
It is not that I do not love you any more,
It is not that I hold any grudges towards you,
It is because I do not want to be left,
Hurt, lonely, sad and despised,
That is why I will walk away and not turn behind again.
{d.r.}
Even if you asked me to go back,
Even when it is okay,
Even when my heart aches to say yes,
I won't, I can't, and I will say no.
{d.r.}
Will you still love me in a few years?
What about in ten, twenty years time?
Will you be able to converse with me without getting annoyed?
Will you be able to focus your gaze on me and me only?
Even when my looks are gone?
{d.r.}
Why do we end up liking the wrong person at the wrong time?
She had wished for it so many times,
Yet when she found out about it,
You can somehow tell that her smile was slowly fading,
Replaced by the rehearsed gestures which her feelings were very much aware of.
{d.r.}
When she gave her heart out to him,
It was pure and in perfect condition,
Yet when it was returned back to her,
It came back with irrevocable scars and damages.
{d.r.}
His very words shook her,
The image of him reappearing in her mind,
Why was it so hard to forget this man?
{d.r.}
How can someone make that much of an influence on her life?
It is not fair,
For she sought for him day and night,
The sound of the rain encompassing her soul.
{d.r.}
And we should consider every day lost on which we have not danced at least once. And we should call every truth false which was not accompanied by at least one laugh. - Friedrich Nietzsche
"The individual has always had to struggle to keep from being overwhelmed by the tribe. If you try it, you will be lonely often, and sometimes frightened. But no price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself." - Friedrich Nietzsche
It truly is a pity,
for I have wished for this too many times over the years,
yet when I am able to obtain it now,
I am useless against it.
{d.r.}
"Those who do not remember the past are condemned to repeat it." -I.
I have forgotten many a silly things over the years, and I have been tortured by their consequences over and over again.
I am not special, nor amazing or intellectual.
I am not beautiful, nor cute or pretty.
I am not good at anything,
Perhaps the only thing that I can do brilliantly is to listen to the tales of others,
So why, oh why, did you pick me?
{d.r.}
Her eyes,
alight with the burning passion of her soul,
her head drooping below the midnight sun.
{d.r.}
The silent stars stirs deep within,
The lonely sighs,
The billowing of the black breaths against the tinted screens,
Her haunting nightmares,
Awakened and relishing upon the deserted rows,
Vanquishing in the morning light.
{d.r.}
She never thought that she would ever be able to look at that person with the same line of thoughts again.
She just feels so incompetent and wants to give up.
Sighing, she forces herself to think of better things.
Is it important to be the same person on the outside as the person who we are inside?
"...she felt the old ennui overtaking her; the hopelessness which so often assailed her, which came upon her like an obsession, like something extraneous, independent of volition. It was something which announced itself; a chill breath that seemed to issue from some vast cavern wherein discords waited. There came over her the acute longing which always summoned into her spiritual vision the presence of the beloved one, overpowering her at once with a sense of the unattainable." - T.A
Is it my infatuation with the idea of love or the fantasy of it?
How is she meant to help that person if her own feelings are distorted?
She won't be able to help anyone when she, herself doesn't know what to do with her own life.
Are you able to hear my thoughts?
How do you know so much about me?
How are you able to understand my feelings when no other person can?
Why do you make me like you so much?
{d.r.}
She felt at ease...could she try and learn how to control her feelings?
The more she cares and worries about that person,
the more she will end up in the same place as before.
{d.r.}
And they all finally vanished...yet again.
She's just very tired now,
her life is stuck between the uncertainties and doubts.
Why does she care when that person doesn't seem to want to talk to her?
She shouldn't...
and she can't.
It wasn't fair,
that person's presence was enough to stimulate her hidden dreams.
She can't move on like this any more.
{d.r.}
"She was still under the spell of her infatuation. She had tried to forget him, realizing the inutility of remembering. But the thought of him was like an obsession, ever pressing itself upon her. It was not that she dwelt upon details of their acquaintance, or recalled in any special or peculiar way his personality; it was his being, his existence, which dominated her thought, fading sometimes as if it would melt into the mist of the forgotten, reviving again with an intensity which filled her with an incomprehensible longing." - The Awakening
She wonders whether she could bring herself to ask for what she had wanted that person to do, because she knew it would break the heart of that person.
"How timid and delicate unrequited love is?
Even though unrequited love finds its own way in...
It's a love that gets trapped inside...
Unable to find an exit.
Even though I'm the one who started it
Without knowing a thing...
If he leaves my sight one day...
It's a love that ends vain without it ever having a purpose
Never even having had the chance to bud or bloom any flower
A love that can never bear fruit... like a seed left forgotten...
That is...unrequited love." - FBND
Maybe it was the thought of being able to do something useful for someone that spurred her on...
but she can't let her true feelings misguide her actions.
It was locked away once before,
and it has to stay there.
Her own feelings can't succumb and cloud her own judgements.
Her years of hard work and control couldn't go to waste.
{d.r.}
The something was inevitable,
and she knows it.
But she can't bring herself to stop,
it was having the chance to guide that person,
but by doing so will hurt her own self by unlocking those memories again.
{d.r.}
Hearing that person talk and giggle again nearly brought her to tears.
Yes, it had been that long.
It had reminded her of her previous self,
the girl who had gotten the chance to talk to her secret crush;
the smile reappearing once more.
{d.r.}
Finally,
that smile which she thought had gone was back,
safe and sound.
{d.r.}
Oh dear, don't make yourself go back to before.
You went through hard times to get yourself to float again,
but now you're about to drown yourself down down into the hopelessness.
No matter how much she wanted to return,
she knows fully well that she can't,
and then she prepares herself for the recurring disappointments.
{d.r.}
Just be patient and don't fall to the ground.
{d.r.}
She doesn't want to feel those feelings again,
she gave them up,
locked them away a long while back,
and she's afraid to fall again when it is not possible to do so any more.
{d.r.}
That person was the longest for her,
the hardest, the meanest, the most difficult for her to leave.
But that person was also the one she truly enjoyed herself with,
the one who she had trusted,
the one who she had believed in.
So how do you chose?
How sad.
{d.r.}
She wished she didn't have the ability to store any emotions any more.
She feels bad, for herself and that person.
She didn't regret the decision that the person chose,
but she just feels really bad and out of place now.
{d.r.}
Finding something hard to let go is just your mind trying to tell yourself that the thing/person was once really important to you.
That's all.
If it was meant to be,
then it will be,
if it wasn't,
then it won't be.
{d.r.}
Hah. Funny how everyone starts to remember me now. Like I somehow exist now?
I changed a lot, didn't think I would, but I did.
Maybe not changed the way some might want me to,
but still - can't deny the change.
Maybe not my improved self yet,
but changed.
But I'm still me.
And always will be me.
Remember what you went through, and don't put yourself through it again.
She smiles, maybe it was the first ever time that she realises just how far she had gotten, and how long it had been. She gave up a long time ago, but kept on moving, slowly and slowly moving forward. She still cries at those memories, just like she did in class, in front of her teachers, and alone in her room. But that just showed what she had doubted before - she thought she had lied to herself, but really she had stayed through to herself during that time. The more pain you feel when you lose something, the more real/true it was.
Being hurt doesn't mean that you can't move forward. Memories, good or bad, will help you to take those steps forward. Give it time, give it a chance.
Thank you xo
From a great height he
watched. Cars, buses, boats, people. Slowly, he drew his plans for his great
escape.
Will it result in
death? Or to live in denial?
He looked at their
faces, watched them closely as the time flew past.
Every day he watched.
One by one they passed. One by one they moved on. Moved on with their own
lives. Unlike him.
Every day he would see
the exact same characters going past. The milkman dragging the crate of glass
bottles across the pavement, the few tourists dragging their luggage bags behind
them, the girl searching for the keys to her apartment…clink clink clink…all
the same, every single day.
He couldn’t see the
point of living any more.
Today, it was going to be different. With a pen and paper in his hand, he began to think of the different
things he could write on it. He scribbled a few words down...then scored a line through it. Scribbled again…another line through. He tried to scribble down all the reasons as to why his life is worth living; was his life really that useless?
